Love For The Lovers.

So I woke up this morning with a stunningly clear mind, so clear it felt like the sky was the limit. I got out of bed and made myself a cup of coffee, sat in front of my laptop and proceeded to listen to some of my favorite songs in a playlist I'd entitled ''SMS'' an acronym that stood for soothe my soul. Sadly I'd lost all my songs earlier so I only had 5 songs playing on endless repeat. I took a sip of warm coffee, closed my eyes and lost myself in Steve Moakler's Hesitate. An incredibly simple yet elegantly complete song. '' The human heart is a scary part in fact.'' he sings, '' Cause I could break you and you could break me back.'' I stopped listening right there and disappeared into my own thoughts as he crooned, '' Excuse me while I fall for you.'' in the background. My thoughts took me on a roller coaster of memories, fond memories, of a certain someone who could be the special one I choose over the other millions of possibilities that existed out there. My fateful paramour. Yet, I was still single. Oh the vileness of the word ''single'' like a tag on a shirt for everyone to see. '' Oh you're wearing nikes? I'm wearing single.'' Seems like an abusive term for someone like me. Everyone assumes that I'm pitiable and suffering a plight akin to death, '' Oh woe the poor daft single fool.'' Yeah right. Two's company and three's a crowd but one... Oh one... Is a lonely number. Well I'm not lonely, it's true I'm not! There are an infinite number of things that one can only do alone and I'm looking into all of them! I'm actually having fun alone. I even laughed at the comic parts of every movie that's come out this year. It's nice because there's no one to bother you or create a nuisance, you're free to do what you wish with no obligations whatsoever and each day is filled with endless possibilities, never knowing how it will end is fun. So I don't really mind being single.
Now Back to my thoughts. I thought of my paramour, of the sweet voice at the other end of a call, the laughter ringing at the back of my mind, the silence followed by a question I'd asked that was too embarrassing to answer and I smiled, a big huge stupid grin. Now I know I said I'm enjoying being single and its true, really it is, but now and then I wish someone would be there next to me during a movie so we could laugh together, so hard we'd have to cling onto each other to stay seated. Or fight over bed space and blankets, giggling so hard our voices trail off into the night. An assurance that soothes beyond words knowing that each day could only possibly end in one way, asleep in each others arms. And when I'm down I'd have a pair of arms to find comfort in, a pair of lips that spoke calming words to me and a pair of eyes that I know looked at me with a love only I could comprehend. Knowing that I would be expected to offer the same and I knew I would be willing whatever it takes to love someone like that.

Right at that moment Europe's '' I'll cry for you'', blasted through my speakers and for an instant I opened my eyes breaking my chain of thought. With a smile I closed my eyes again thinking, '' Appropriate.'' to myself. '' Never dreamed that I could fall but somethings come over me.'' Imagine a world of emptiness, now fill it up with a few of the things you think you'd need and then watch them all burn. That is the culmination of our lives as an individual. Its human nature to want more. And what more is there other than a perfect significant other? We humans fill our life's with so much humdrum and chaos that it becomes so difficult to actually see what is important and what is not. We look for so much more than what we are given because we refuse to accept that in all the complications of the life we live in, the reason for it cannot be so simple as creating another generation to pass on our duty of survival to. We have been given the capacity to think and think we did a little too well and a little too much that we lost track of what really matters. We deny that like any other creature that calls this world home, our sole reason for existing is so that we can bring to being another bundle of existence. And we deny on and on each and every classification that derogates us and makes us equal with the animals we eat for food, to the point that we no longer recognize pure instinctive decisions. Well I beg to differ. Yes life is not as complicated as it seems, it isn't easy yet the reason is simple to me. We live so we can continue to live and everything else we do, work, sleep, eat, study and a million other activities are just consequences of the time we live in and the people who live in it. For though the reason we exist is plain and simple, we are social animals and so we thrive in a society that binds us down, gives us roots and a recognition of mutual existence. And I believe, in this life, I've found my fairy tale ending. Sure there won't be a happily ever after involving endless smiles and laughter, just imagining a life like that is frightening [what kind of idiot would wanna smile and laugh all day long, for all eternity, for no particular reason?], and I know it will be hard being with someone everyday through thick and thin, through hunger and pain and even through the times when we'd prefer to choke each other. Call me weird or freaky or crazy but that is what I want. Someone to stand by, knowing that though the times may be bad, hard and we'd very much like to throttle each other, there's no one I'd rather be with.
'' So I've made up my mind, I will pretend...'' again my thoughts were interrupted by the changing notes of Reliant K's '' Faking my own suicide.'' A surprisingly upbeat song considering it's eerie and, honestly, creepy theme. But I like it so I ended up singing along with it loudly and unfortunately waking up the other inhabitants of the house and by the time we'd been done screaming insults at each other through the walls and everything was quiet again the song changed and Sleeping at last's '' Turning page.'' droned out its melancholic melody. And to me the personal history I shared with this song always threatens to overwhelm me to the point of welcome pain and tears. Now there was once someone who I'd been sure was '' The One'' but we stumbled, well I stumbled, and lost our way, eventually drowning in the oblivion of ''the end.'' We decided, again I decided, that we should no longer exist as a probable single entity and so we separated. And though it was my own choice and my own decision and my own fault, I ended up wallowing in sorrow to the point that I finally understood where the people in movies get their concept of sadness from, it had always been absurdly ridiculous to me before. And so blue skies faded away and night came to stay. An eon passed until I finally found the courage to truly love again. But before that understanding came and before I felt reassured in myself again, I went through a time I can only call the '' Dark ages.'' A time when I truly believed love may not really exist and that even if it did exist... I wasn't meant for it. I told myself repeatedly that I'd never find someone I could love the way I wanted and that it was futile to hope for a life even remotely better than the one I had back then. And that longing for it would only increase the load of suffering that strained the emotional scales of my heart but deep inside I never could truly give up and knowing that caused me more pain every time hope was dangled in front of me only to be mercilessly taken away when I thought everything would be OK. And so I lived for a long while, hoping and drowning in hopelessness. Now I'm tentative yet quite certain that I'm finally catching a glimpse of the silver lining.
The last beats of "Fall at your feet" by Saint Raymond faded away and my thoughts along with them. I wish I had something better to say to end this short passage. Something that gave hope to those who feel or felt the way I do. Something to inspire and create a longing for a better tomorrow but I'm sorry to say I have no such grand ending nor any last great words or advices because right now all that I'm doing is wasting time babbling while I wait for an answer to my question, '' Will you be mine?'' My heart lumps up my throat and my palms are sweaty, I'm nervous, excited and apprehensive as I imagine what the answer will be. I am afraid, very much so, for I would hate to be hurt again. But wallowing and waiting for good things to happen is like sitting in your car with no fuel hoping to travel but never really getting anywhere. I may be hurt or I may finally be happy. I am afraid, yet I had to ask. I am afraid, yet I feel mysteriously sure. Heh hopeless romantic aren't I? Well war is for warriors right? And love is for lovers.